


Adventures in Babysitting: How To Survive the Healy-Ritter Children

by elizabethvaughan



Series: Braindead Alternate Universe (From Season Two on) [9]
Category: BrainDead (TV)
Genre: Also please know this "series" we keep posting has no official order yet, Babysitting, Dexter and Gustav refer to the Healy-Ritter children as their nieces and nephew fight me, F/M, M/M, Washington D.C.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-04 09:34:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10273865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elizabethvaughan/pseuds/elizabethvaughan
Summary: Dexter and Gustav watch Laurel and Gareth's children for the day. It goes pretty much how you would expect.





	

“I swear Laurel, we’ll be just fine.” Dexter Wu said, gently shooing his friend out the door. “Gustav couldn’t wait to have some time with Jacob. He’s been talking about it all week. And he already bought eggs for them to have an egg drop contest. If anything, you should be worried about our driveway smelling like hollandaise sauce for the next week.”  
Laurel laughed, feeling somewhat reassured. “Okay, okay, I get it. We’ve just never made you guys watch all three at once, so I don’t want to impose on you. Just text us if you need anything, okay? I’ll make sure either Gareth or I has a phone on us at all times. We shouldn’t be too late…..” She trailed off as Dexter waved her off the porch.  
“Have a good day! Fight the good fight! Keep our beloved president in line!” He called as she hopped into her car. He could just catch her rolling her eyes as she pulled away. Turning back towards the door, he took a deep breath before re-entering the chaos inside. Even though he did love spending time with his “nieces” and “nephew,” he had to agree with her that the Healy-Ritter children were a bit, well, intense at times. Okay no, wait. Charlotte, their oldest, was delightful. She had always been the kind of somewhat shy, quiet child that was perfectly happy minding her own business or politely listening even when she held no interest in the subject being discussed. Even as a toddler, Charlotte was reserved and restrained. Now ten, she was happy to read the pile of books she brought and stay out of the fray on the couch, willing to discuss what was inside them but just as happy to keep it to herself. Charlotte was easy.  
Jacob was rather the opposite of Charlotte in many ways. He was bouncy. He was engaging. He was funny and bright and constantly wanted to be involved in whatever he or Gustav were up to. He wanted to help, and try it himself, and he never minded messing up or making mistakes. He just wanted to do something that kept him busy and in good company. Most days, this meant he was Gustav’s shadow, eagerly following him around and assisting him in whatever shenanigans his husband could conceive. Together, they were a creative (and mess-making) team of epic proportions. Dexter only half-wondered that one of these days Gustav would kidnap the seven-year-old, if only to have a constant companion with whom to run amuck with.  
Then there was Louise. There were no words he could come up with that might accurately describe Gareth and Laurel’s youngest child. At five, Louise was already as intense as Charlotte and more precocious than Jacob. She asked questions like Jacob, but she demanded answers. She questioned everything and demanded to know why. Louise marched to the beat of her own very loud drum. And ever since she had discovered that she had opinions, she had no trouble using them. If there was any person that could drive him to the point of insanity, Louise would probably be it. Suddenly, as if on cue, the door swung open, interrupting his thoughts and nearly smacking him off the porch.  
“Uncle Gustav says you need to come inside RIGHT NOW.” The five-year-old declared, crossing her arms across her chest and staring at him. Dexter shook his head to clear his thoughts and smiled at his niece.  
“Are you sure he used those exact words?” He asked, knowing Louise had a habit of turning basic statements into declarations.  
“Yep.” She responded confidently, raising her chin and flipping her blonde pigtails over her shoulder. “So you’d better hurry.” Placing his hands on her shoulders, Dexter guided the girl into the house and closed the door. Suddenly, something resembling a lumpy football hit the floor, landing inches from his foot and bouncing to a stop in a pile of shoes. He looked up to see Gustav and Jacob’s faces three floors up, eagerly staring down into the foyer.  
“Did it work???” His nephew shouted eagerly from upstairs.  
“I….what….what are you doing?!?!” Dexter shouted back.  
“Testing our design! We modified a football!” His husband yelled, sounding just as eager as Jacob. “It’s full of mattress foam!”  
“I don’t even want to know where you got that.” Dexter muttered darkly, ignoring their questions and following Louise into the kitchen. He watched her climb onto a bar stool and pull out what looked like a phone. Raising his eyebrows, he began to get suspicious. “Louise? Where did you get that?” He questioned her slowly. Looking up at him innocently, she showed it to him. “It’s Charlotte’s. She said I could play with it.” Sighing, he called to the older girl in the living room.  
“Charlotte? Is Louise supposed to have your phone?”  
A loud sigh came from the other room. “Oh fine, just let her play with it if it’ll keep her quiet.” Louise stuck her tongue out in the direction of her sister’s voice and resumed playing with the phone. With that issue resolved, he opened his laptop, taking a seat across from her to try and catch up on the yearly reports he was supposed to have complete by Tuesday. As he typed, he became increasingly aware of Louise’s silence from across the table. Looking up, he noticed she was still glued to the phone. Thinking he should probably find out what she was up to, he leaned over the table to talk to her.  
“What are you doing over there, Louise? Are you playing something?” The girl shook her head without looking up, still concentrating on the screen.  
“What are you doing?” He tried again.  
Finally, she responded. “I’m on Twitter.” She said, still not looking away from the phone.  
Shocked, Dexter crossed his arms. “And do your parents know you use Twitter?”  
She shrugged. “I dunno.”  
“Why do you even want to use Twitter?”  
Now she crossed her arms over the phone and pouted. “I wanna see what people write.” She whined. “How do I know what people are saying if I can’t use Twitter?”  
Dexter shook his head. “Okay, that’s ridiculous. Give me the phone.” Huffing loudly, she reluctantly handed it over to him, clearly used to this process. Shoving it in his pocket, he made a mental note to talk to Laurel and not to allow his niece near a phone as long as she was in his house.  
“Can we have lunch now?” Louise asked, still pouting on the stool over the phone.  
“Sure.” Dexter replied. “Why don’t you round up everyone else and we can get started?” She nodded and hopped down racing for the stairs, yelling at the top of her lungs “LUNCHTIME!!!” Dexter shook his head as she disappeared and began pulling sandwich supplies out of the fridge.

\---

It seemed they had barely sat down when the first argument broke out. Gustav held up his Faraday bag and motioned towards it. “Okay kids, before we eat, all electronics go into the bag.” Dexter rolled his eyes but complied, well-accustomed to this. Jacob enthusiastically dropped his tiny helicopter and remote into the bag, and Charlotte shrugged and dropped her newly returned iPhone in as well. However, Louise just looked at him with a blank expression on her face.  
“That’s silly.”  
“It’s not silly. The FBI can track you anywhere, you know. Better safe than sorry when you’re in a family group. Especially a family like this one.”  
“You’re paranoid.”  
“Watch yourself, tiny blonde Laurel.”  
\---  
As soon as the kids had left the kitchen, Dexter rounded on Gustav. “You can’t call Louise ‘Laurel’. Do you want to give her a complex at age five?” He said sternly. Gustav widened his eyes and looked unapologetic. “C’mon Dexter, be honest with yourself. Louise is just like a very small, very political Laurel! But if Laurel had blonde hair. So, it fits!” Dexter just shook his head. “You talk nicely to her, okay? She’s only trying to get a reaction from you, and when you respond like that, she wins.”  
“Just like her mother!” Gustav practically yelled, waving his arm wildly.  
“Sometimes you deserve it!”  
“Oh, so now you’re team Laurel? Excellent. Glad to be outnumbered in my own home.”  
“Oh, knock it off. They’re children. I’m obligated to defend them. Even when they’re pests.”  
“Who on god’s great earth decided it would be a good idea to let Laurel Healy reproduce?” Gustav bemoaned, shaking his head dramatically and heading out of the kitchen. “You seem to like your mini me up there.” Dexter called after him.  
“Charlotte and Jacob got enough of Gareth to balance out the Laurel. They should’ve stopped at two before they depleted the supply.”  
\---  
Late that night, Dexter and Gustav were just waiting for Gareth and Laurel to pick up the kids so they could head to bed themselves. At a quarter to eleven, a soft knock alerted them to the parents on their porch. Dexter got the door while Gustav woke the sleeping kids. Pulling Laurel into a hug, Dexter ushered them into the foyer.  
“Hi guys, have a good gala?” he whispered.  
“It was interesting. Senator Alistor’s wife got really drunk and started hitting on a democratic representative, so that was exciting, to say the least.” Laurel chirped, clearly less concerned than he was about waking her sleeping offspring.  
He nodded. “Glad to hear you had a good day nonetheless.”  
“Oh, that was the highlight.” She remarked cheerfully. “How were the kids? I notice the house is still standing so that’s a plus.”  
He chuckled. “Despite Gustav and Jacob’s best efforts, we are all still alive.” (Gareth breathed a sigh of relief that Dexter pretended to ignore.)  
“Excellent. And how was Louise? She didn’t lecture you on anything political, did she?”  
“Nope, we made it through the day without discussing politics. Though I’m sure the numerous pride flags and the poster from the most recent DNC helped with that.” Laurel laughed and Gareth just rolled his eyes.  
“She’s a handful, that one. Trying to go anywhere with her is an adventure because she will talk to ANYONE. She has absolutely no concept whatsoever of stranger danger.”  
Gareth Laughed and elbowed Laurel gently. “Wasn’t your mom telling us the same thing about you? That you were a handful with too many opinions?”  
Dexter laughed, then remembered the conversation from that afternoon. “Oh, that reminds me. Gustav referred to Louise today as ‘Tiny Blonde Laurel.’ I told him not to do it again, but isn’t it true?”  
Gareth burst out laughing before remembering to keep his voice down. “That might be the most accurate thing anyone has called Louise in her entire life.”  
Dexter patted the other man on the shoulder. “Good thing we still have a while before she can run for office then.”  
“Tell me about it.” Gareth muttered, and Dexter swore he saw panic in his friend’s eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my god we're posting more shit what is this madness??? Another short fic by Winona. The second of three written last week. Can you tell someone was on spring break?
> 
> ~ Winona


End file.
